Santa's Helper
by BelovedOne
Summary: When John plays Santa Claus for the annual Atlantis Christmas party, who will be his helper?


**Title:** **"Santa's Helper"  
****Author:** _BelovedOne  
_**Rating:** PG-13  
**Pairing(s):** JohnLiz, TeylaRonon  
**Category:** Humor, Romance  
**Status:** Completed  
**Chapter:** 1/1  
**Spoilers:** None  
**Warnings:** An itsy-bitsy bit of adult language, along with a rather daring costume.  
**Summary:** When John plays Santa Claus for the annual Atlantis Christmas party, who will be his helper?  
**Disclaimer:** _Stargate Atlantis_ does not belong to me. However, there is an alternate universe in which it is mine – it's really easy to figure out which one's mine, you see, 'coz John and Elizabeth are deeply involved in a very romantic relationship, Teyla and Ronon are together, and Sedge is in Atlantis with her owner, like she _should_ be. That's right, there's a _dog_ in Atlantis. Why? 'Coz I said so.  
**Author's Note:** This idea struck me out of the blue – I'd just finished watching "Broken Bridges" on CMT and was in the middle of making dinner when I suddenly thought how funny it would be to see Elizabeth dressed up like an elf… and it took off from there!

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

**SANTA'S HELPER**

"Ho ho ho!" a voice boomed across the room, silencing the busy chatter. John Sheppard lumbered into the large ballroom, a huge, lumpy sack thrown over one shoulder. He was dressed as Santa Claus, with a floppy hat, a fluffy white beard, a red suit, and black combat boots. That wasn't what currently had everyone's attention, however; walking beside him, her arm threaded through his free one, was a vision in red.

Elizabeth had a little Santa hat sitting crookedly atop her head over her mass of dark curls. She'd put on blood-red lipstick and touched up her cheeks with a little blush to make them look extra rosy, and she was wearing boots that matched John's. What lay in between, though, was the eye-catcher: the snug velvet bodice of her long-sleeved, off-the-shoulder scarlet top hugged her slim waist and lifted her bosom _just so_, revealing just enough skin to give onlookers a tantalizing hint of the secrets that lay beneath. A white down-feather trim was edged around the neck, waist, and wrists, and she'd dusted a shimmering powder across her décolletage, enhancing the already glowing skin. There was a tiny sliver of skin showing between the top and the garment below it, which matched exactly in color and style. It flared at the hip, falling to mid-thigh, where it ended in identical white trim. Beneath this, she wore white stockings, which only served to accentuate the sweeping curves of her long, slender legs.

The group consensus: Their leader was _hot_. And it was a _damn_ good thing this was the adults-only party.

Suddenly, the silence was broken by a loud, piercing catcall that startled everyone; Teyla rolled her eyes and elbowed Ronon, who only repeated the sound. Soon, the room was filled with whistles as "Santa" and "Mrs. Claus" remained the center of attention.

Ronon leaned toward Teyla. "I think I'm gonna like this holiday – Ow!" He ignored her mock-glare and continued, "D'you think I could get _my_ wife to dress up like that?"

She snorted. "Not likely." She looked down at her seven-months-pregnant belly, patting the bulge affectionately.

He leered at her openly, one of his large hands coming to rest on her stomach, over their growing child, as he moved closer, his mouth only an inch from her ear: "This would only make it better," he growled softly, his suggestive tone sending shivers down her spine.

Teyla's lips twitched in a small, secret smile. "Then perhaps we should put Teynon to bed early tonight." Ronon's pupils dilated in reaction to her words, and he reached to pull her closer, but she had already slipped from his grasp, darting away to speak with someone else. As she moved among the groups of people, she kept sending him smoldering looks that led him to repeat a mantra he'd learned from Colonel Sheppard: _Think cold showers. Think cold showers. _From his own memories, he added, _Smelly diapers. Getting shot. Infirmary visits._

_Wraith._

That worked.

He peered over the crowd – not a difficult feat, considering he was nearly a head taller than almost everyone else in the room – to look for Sheppard, and caught sight of both him and Weir, seated against one wall. Already, two lines had formed in front of them – the women in front of Sheppard, and the men in front of Weir.

As he watched, the Colonel had each of the ladies sit on his lap. From past experience, Ronon knew he was asking each of them what they wanted for Christmas. Weir, however, was doing it a little differently.

She gestured a man – Radek Zelenka – over and seated him on the chair beside Sheppard's. She then perched herself delicately on his knee and asked what he wanted "Santa" to bring him.

With a decidedly lascivious grin, the Czech replied, "A kiss, perhaps?"

Instead of pulling away, as Ronon would have expected of the normally reserved diplomat, she scooted closer, smiling saucily as she purposely brushed against his inner thigh, making him jump a little. For a moment, it seemed as if she might brush her lips against his, but at the last second, she took a detour, planting a loud kiss on his cheek. Zelenka laughed out loud, returned the gesture, and then got up to give the next man his turn. The scientist walked away with a lipstick print on his cheek, a wrapped present in his hand, and an extra bounce in his step.

Ronon watched him go. Then, he joined the line.

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

John was enjoying himself immensely – and not just because of the dozens of beautiful women who were lined up to sit on his lap; after five years, he'd finally convinced his wife to dress up with him, with more success that he'd thought; the outfit she was wearing was doing things to him that weren't entirely appropriate given that other women were planting their asses right smack-dab in the middle of his lap. But, damn, he couldn't help it – the woman was downright _sexy_.

He chuckled when he saw her kiss Zelenka – he'd heard the man's teasing request, and knew that the scientist wasn't expecting to actually _get_ a kiss. He outright laughed when he noticed Ronon getting in line just seconds later. When Teyla appeared in _his_ line a couple of minutes later, he just shook his head.

The lines dwindled down until there were only a handful of people left in each. By pure chance, Ronon's and Teyla's turns came at the same time; John knew he would enjoy this…

The Athosian settled onto his lap, smiling serenely at him. He patted her stomach, greeting his godchild.

"Hi there, little one! Are you behaving?"

"Yes," Teyla answered for the baby, "She is."

"She?" he asked curiously.

"It is an instinct of mine; I was right about Teynon, so it is entirely possible that I am also right about this one."

"Oooh, didja hear that, baby? You're a girl!"

Teyla smiled at him indulgently, let him kiss her cheek, and then rose gracefully to her feet, watching curiously as Elizabeth handed a pretty bag to Ronon.

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

Pulling Ronon forward, Elizabeth plunked him down on the chair and then sat across his lap, grinning at him.

"I bet I know what you want for Christmas, my friend," she said playfully.

He raised an eyebrow at her, but she simply handed him a gift bag. She gestured for him to look inside, and he peeked into the medium-sized bag, his eyes widening as he caught sight of the objects within.

Elizabeth leaned closer, careful to keep her voice low. "It's maternity size."

His eyes lit up, and he grinned at her, crushing her in a big bear hug before kissing her cheek and leaping up to find his wife.

Things quieted down after that, so Elizabeth took it upon herself to get a turn with Santa.

She eased herself down onto his lap, making sure that her best 'assets' were in his direct line of sight. She giggled at the resulting look on his face as he fought to keep from staring. This caused certain bits to shake and jiggle, which made his struggle much more difficult.

She reached into her bodice, withdrawing a small, folded piece of paper that had been tucked there for safekeeping. She handed it to him silently.

Curious, he unfolded the paper, peering down at the single line she'd written:

"_Merry Christmas, Daddy!"_

He reread it several times before its' meaning set in.

"I'm gonna be a Daddy?" Elizabeth nodded. "I'm gonna be a Daddy!"

He slid his arms around her, lifting her as he stood. Raising his voice to be heard over the crowd, he yelled, "Hey, everybody! I'm gonna be a Daddy!!"

Wild cheers broke out, along with a few whistles, and they were congratulated by every person in the room. Two of their friends were conspicuously absent; John turned to give Elizabeth a questioning look, to which she replied: "I gave them their Christmas gift from us."

He grinned widely. "Ah, well, then, we'll just have to tell them later. I'm sure they're… busy."

Her eyes sparkled. "You mean like we're gonna be tonight?"

He nearly dropped her. Speaking loudly again, he said, "Sorry, folks, but Santa's gotta leave; things to do, people to see!"

There was laughter as he booked it out of there, his wife still in his arms.

They knew the _real_ reason for his early departure.

But, really, could you blame him?

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

_One year later…_

"Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!" a voice boomed across the room, silencing the busy chatter. John Sheppard lumbered into the large ballroom, a huge, lumpy sack thrown over one shoulder. He was dressed as Santa Claus; walking beside him, her arm threaded through his free one, was a vision in red.

Elizabeth was in a burgundy satin gown that hugged her curves perfectly. In her arms was four-month-old Maia, who wore a Santa outfit that matched her Daddy's.

Across the room, Ronon and Teyla were watching their friends' grand entrance, three-and-a-half-year-old Teynon and 10-month-old Halla snuggled into their parents' arms.

The Sheppards looked out over their large family. "Santa" slid an arm around his wife's waist, peering down at their beautiful baby girl as she gave him a toothless grin.

It was a Merry Christmas, indeed!

ΩΩΩΩΩΩΩΩ

**Author's Note 2:** I pounded this out in about a day-and-a-half, so that I could get it posted here before Christmas. While this is not the first _Atlantis_ story I've written, it's the very first one I've posted, so I hope it turned out OK! My other _Atlantis_ work is moving slowly - i keep getting caught up with the music videos I've been working on (you can see them on YouTube under the username 'BelovedOne725' if you're interested), and I'm in the middle of moving. Also, I just started a new job, on top of the one I've already got. So I've been a busy little bee. Anyway, I will try to get some of my stuff up so you guys can read it - meanwhile, please review this one and tell me what you think! Thanks!


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